I am the Master and Commander of Saint Valentine

Bow to me.

I created this substack to talk about weird and wonderful holidays. I write this on February 11th, 2024, on the foothills of my own personal superbowl. I am fueled by chili and the dulcet tones of Post Malone. (SQUEAK). Isn’t it obvious? Love is in the air. (But so is a nor’easter so.)

Valentine’s Day is the best holiday of the year. I’ve said it. I love what a cheerful reprieve it is during the most miserable months. I like dumb heart-shaped cards and necklaces and candy even though they’re dumb. I like pink and red on clothes and steaks. I like when they go on sale on 2/15. I like my friends and my husband. 

I like freedom. 

See, there’s no set props or rituals to observe. You don’t have to carve a turkey or hoist a tree into your home. You don’t need Jesus. This holiday is all just fun, weird, loving, and lovely if you let it be. And I always do! I am a master of Valentine’s Day. In each season of my life, I have created festive, weird, wonderful days to celebrate in a way that made sense for my life and budget at the time. Valentine’s Day is cheesy. I am not. 

See below for my contribution to society, a few ideas to inform your Valentine’s Day. Screw set menus at restaurants with justifiably resentful staff. Don’t buy heart-shaped chocolate boxes until they go on sale 2/15. Color outside the lines. If you have a partner, that’s fantastic. If you don’t, that’s sometimes even better. Here’s how to celebrate St. Valentine no matter your situation/ship:

When I was in my early twenties, broke, in Boston, on a non-profit salary, my ex-boyfriend and I split one big chicken and honey mustard sandwich at Ma-Ma Goos in Cambridge*, then went to a horror movie at the strip mall across the street. If it’s $5 Tuesday, all the better! I bought myself a cute new dress, probably from Madewell. 

If this is similar to your situation, I would take an edible and start with salads at Cava. Splurge and get the braised lamb. Let the ballast and the edible kick in before you go to a candy store. If you’re in NYC/LA, it’s Dylan’s Candy Bar. Browse the aisles and spend twenty dollarz on a bag that includes at least one piece of gummy teeth. These will become important later somehow. Next up, follow the theme to the theaters. It’s Wonka.  Finish up with a late night mocktail at the house with fewer roommates. If you have time on your hands (you do), you can brew your own bootleg version of Kin Euphorics. 

I would wear this on-sale Skims bodysuit and jeans. I would gift a squatty potty, a toe separator, or this $13 fleece that got written up in the strategist. 

When I was in my mid 20s, lonesome, single, and living in my hometown, I went to tapas then saw 50 Shades of Grey with my sister. That year, I wore this silk shirt to work and didn’t bother changing afterwards.

If this sounds like your situation, I would gather some friends and go to a hole-in-the-wall BYOB Indian place with a well-reviewed bottle of wine from Trader Joe’s. If you’re going to dinner, I’d wear this (because what a good deal) or this fun little two piece. I’d buy little stocking stuffers and cards for my friends like this soap on a rope or this very weird mug. A book of poetry is also sweet. 

Given the weather this year, I’d pivot and invite friends over to paint candlesticks or another table-based craft. I’d order a clever amount of Dominoes, bake store-bought cookies, and put on some reality television in the background. I’d wear my Gwentyh Paltrow triumph sweatshirt or this Angela smoking shirt with a cute pink bow in my hair. I would gift these interesting colanders or another enamel homegood. You could buy me a 1) quirky cookbook like this 2)or a cool and well-reviewed one like this.  

Last year, for our first Valentine’s Day as husband and wife, we went for a pop-up dinner event at Farm to People, then for a Bushwick cocktail bar crawl featuring The Narrows, Palmetto, and a few hazy others. I wore this lil number and some good and very-on-sale Brooklyn walking boots. 

If this sounds like your situation, here are a couple thoughts:

If I wanted to splurge, I’d arrange for a day at Bathhouse Brooklyn with a cute new swimsuit. This is also how I would treat myself if I were single.

If I could manage a reservation, I would go to a steakhouse wearing this pretty red dress and my grandma’s pearls. Equally fun with a girlfriend.

For a Manhattan adventure, I would dumpling hop then get a peking duck in Chinatown. For a Brooklyn adventure, I would thrift cool t-shirts at L Street Vintage then go for pizza at Ops or Roberta’s. I’d wear something like this with a lil pink lip or oh my god this. He could also buy me a sweet lil matching ruby set. I don’t even mind if they’re lab-created bc they! shine! the! same! I would buy him an art poster for his office. I like this one a lot.

If you’re in a smaller city, I’d look for municipally funded events at the zoo or at the science museum. I think this is how parents survive but I’m glad not to know firsthand.

If I wanted to stay in, I’d get a bottle of red wine and take on an elaborate kitchen project (ie lasagna) while listening to records. I would start a new season of marquee television like Fargo with dessert, this lush butterscotch pudding.

My thoughts about next year, as a yuppie couple living in Louisville: I would demand a WFH morning break featuring pastries and cappuccino at a cool bakery wearing this shirtdress that works perfectly for the presentation I’m giving later. 

I’d take a day trip to a Lake if it’s nice out. For a present, Roy could buy me a new kayak. I would buy him a classic Italian pastamaker or a custom-made knife by a local welder. (I would surprise him by stopping to pick it up in person on the way to the lake.) 

If I have enough friends, I would throw a Hawaiian-themed luau Valentine’s Day party with pineapple upside down cake and fruity tiki drinks like something washed with coconut fat. For a mocktail option, I would serve the delicious tropical punch flavored olipop. I would gift Roy this cute lil linen shirt that I believe he’d wear it beyond the day. 

If I were in a more established couple with some dollahs to spare, I would center the evening around a hot tub outside in our garden with a bottle of nice white wine followed by a quick trip to the sauna in our basement. 

We’d make a quick Prawn pasta at home followed by trader joes lava cakes at the table (set) and then a Danish crime show (omg the bridge is so good!!!) 

 I’d demand this Olivia Von Halle pajama set OR the robe (not both). I’d wear the robe with some silk cheetah pajamas. If pajamas, I would wear out to brunch later with lots of gold jewelry. I’d end the evening by 9:45 in my new reptile gear and some lovely and sensible house shoes.

*I have never googled this place before now but it deserves more internet. In a time before people ate with their phones, this was an incredible sandwich that I really thought ruled the land. It is a 12-inch sub with fried chicken pieces. You DROWN it in their house honey mustard and sit in the restaurant or your car eating it with a diet Dr. Pepper. People of Cambridge and greater New England: how uncommon is this knowledge??? Is this just some big secret we are all conspiring to keep?