While this is fun, it’s not precisely thoughtless. We’re talking about something that will stand the test of time and serve as a momento of the achievement. A witchy little talisman for perpetual prosperity.

See below for a list of things I’ve mostly already purchased. Hoping this blog post allows me to close this chapter of my spending (and a few of my tabs). I hope both of you reading will hold me accountable.

Anyways, here’s what we got!

A crystal! I bought a ring from Costco. I love it.

A leather jacket from Frame. Last one left. As much as a car payment (which btw I don’t have anymore— #minted)

New perfume that some reviewers describe as putrid lake water

Sunglasses with 24K gold trim. Purr.

Prada loafers for an accomplished little lad

This pieced quilted robe from Etsy made by a nice lady. Gives its wearer the coveted Michelin silhouette.

Can anyone afford a stay at Blackberry Farms? I can! But I got intimated by the “planning” call from the concierge

1. Coconut water from Costco.

Dumped unceremoniously in a Stanley cup with a squeeze of lemon juice and a packet of lemonade crystal lite.

2. Chicken parm from Volare. Not 100000% worth it, but a nice night out.

3. Order ahead caviar from Highland Fish Market , which just opened on Bardstown Rd.

A HUGE bonus is that it is right next door to Purrfect Day Cat Cafe. In October, this will go towards an experiment I’ve been threatening to make involving a family sized mcnugget order, sour cream, and bubbly wine.

4. Oat butter

I went crosseyed when I encountered the first spoonful. It is so mouthy and yummy. It just BEGS for a caramelized banana and a vanilla yogurt. (or cottage cheese and a small splash of maple syrup). If you see me big backin these streets this fall know this is where it started

Bon appetit wrote a lovely product review. But I would like my corner of the internet to know I too enjoy this product! And hope you do too! Both of you!

When it’s time to go a-pickin’, I’ll dip an apple slice right in the jar.

5. Caperberries

Large capers from the fridge. Salty lil thing and way better than it should be. The texture is a salty savory fig. It garnishes the freezer martini at Darling’s and now that my alcohol career is nearing its close I must find ways to enjoy it in other contexts.

Matched with a hunk of parmesan cheese, you have a wonderful little rat snack straight out of the fridge. (You don’t even need to close the fridge all the way while you enjoy it.)

6. Kimchi stew that is on its way to me from Sarang Cafe right this very second.

7. Sweet potato

Cooked for 6 hours in the crock pot on low. Lucious. Serve with meat pile, sauerkraut, a huck of cottage cheese, and a drizzle of bbq sauce at 1030 AM. Full until dinner.

8. Blue cheese dressing made with cottage cheese and extra onion powder. It is acceptable to buy a vegetable tray for a non-party.

9. hatch chile enchiladas

Freestyled with siete tortillas and the best Trader Joe’s cheddar cheese and homemade hatch chili salsa because this season is fleeting and it must be seized. I got a costco rotisserie chicken that yielded THREE MEALS THIS WEEK. (straight to mouth w/ kinder’s founder’s bbq sauce, these bad boys, made homemade broth that became this must-make orzotto)

These BOOTS and this DRESS and a big ole tub of magic powder, fruity floaties, fast fish, door county cherries from the Appleton Farmer’s Market, a very selfish birthday gift, an aspirational book that might be useful, a useful book that might be aspirational

This rug and this sweater and these stickers and this patch and this print and these pants which they stopped selling and I hate myself for missing and this customizeable little oddity and this bonnet which would make me lose my hand and these pajamas no better yet these ones

What’s happening to me? Is anyone else noticing this? “Cherrycore”???

Edit: I forgot I bought my husband this coat for Chrimbo. Help.

*The troubling and weird punchline to this story: the target felt iteration is the only item I do not personally own.

Gimme Robe AND Earrings AND Mascara to make blue eyes pop AND Dismembered infant pottery AND Lippy bedsheets AND Epsom salts AND yummy chocky AND felt cherries AND this laptop cover AND this beautiful baby angel I met at Purrfect Day Cat Cafe and can’t stop thinking about

Other things I want:

• Some delectable raspberry jam from a local purveyor

• For my husband to install automatic timers for the lamps in the house so we never have to mess with the big light again

• A weeknight date to Queen of Sheba

• To fill my new garage chest freezer (love you, Roy) with Trader Joe’s frozen foodstuffs: langoustines, cauliflower gnocchi, fish sticks, chocolate lava cakes, etc

• Effusive praise, but I’m kinda scratching that itch by asking ChatGPT for compliments

• Free rein to buy miscellaneous Valentine’s Day decor from Target

• A chaste mouth kiss

• This sexless but fetching nightgown

Stay

• I’m assuming you’re not going to be there for the winter because that would be nuts. In fact, if that is your plan, close this tab immediately. I can’t help you. 

• I would stay in Wicker Park. It’s central enough but tranquil, with better coffee shops and amazing architecture. It’s a neighborhood vibe— much better if you’re in the 30+ crew. Pro tip: Stroll down Beer Baron’s Row in tiny shorts. Stay there forever! The Robey is a pretty good hotel with Le Labo products, but an Airbnb is probably your best bet. Here’s the view from the top:

• Or just lean all the way in and go River North – would be best to find a hotel or airbnb with a pool. Apartment complex pool culture BOPS in the summer. Just a head’s up: The Moxy is a swingers’ hot spot. 

Restaurants

• River North / Downtown

  • Quartino is my place of worship. I’ve been going here for a decade. The shared pasta dishes and $22 liters of wine always hit. Tell them you’re on a bachelorette party if you’d like a phallic dessert. Go next door to Redhead Piano Bar afterwards. This is how I met a one Roy Woodhouse. This place is truly special and iconic.

  • ABA! The Greek food is truly incredible. Don’t skip the olive oil soft serve at the end.

  • Any of the RPMs but I would recommend Seafood for the views and the vibes. Get the seafood tower and manage to look happy about it:

  

  • Gibson’s Italia is such a treat and has beautiful views.

  • HAmpton Social for brunch. Two orders of hash browns per person.

• STEAK— should be its own zip code in Chicago

  • Go classic Gibson’s for steak. It’s the authority on Chicago Steakhouses. Start with a dirty martini. Finish with the chocolate cake. Iconic.

  

  • Maple and Ash does a personalized menu and is very instagrammable. Plus the steak is good, I admit it.

  • Swift and Sons. Order the table magic show. It’s wild. 

  • BYOB Argentinian Currasceria at Tango Sur. This is the option for cool kids. Roy once took a chick on a date here and drank TWO WHOLE BOTTLES of wine himself. We love you, Roy. 

• West Loop

  • Au Cheval burger is historic. One of my favorite nights out was taking myself to Aire baths and then sitting at the bar having a glass of red wine and an epic burger. 

  • Little Goat is great. Actually anything Stephanie Izard does is wonderful. Try Little Goat Diner for brunch or her ice cream counter for a sweetie treaty in the afternoon. 

  • Rosemary’s is supposed to be incredible. I could never get in and I’m not still salty about it. I’m not. 

  • Momotaro incredible Japanese food – the downstairs is more of a bar and it’s incred. Get a rice dish.

  • Monteverde is an incredible Italian restaurant. Don’t skip the cabbage appetizer.. 

  • Bread at The Publican really should be in the Culture section.

  • The Aviary for a fancy FANCY cocktail. It’s worth it. 

  • Blind Barber for cocktails

  • Kumiko for Japanese American cocktails. The bartender is a badass. 

  • Lone Wolf has a perfect Knob Creek old-fashioned. Don’t miss it. 

• Pizza

  • Pequod’s Pizza for deep dish. It really is lovely and an elevated take on classic deep dish. 

  • Lou Malnati’s is a classic for a reason. Double up on Chicago mainstays and go to the location with a comedy club on the roof. 

  • I always wanted to try Oven and Grinder but didn’t because I knew it would wreck my bowels

• Wicker

  • Get breakfast at Kasama! They just got voted as one of the best tasting menus in the country. Go for that if you’re fucked, but the breakfast is just as good. There’s a brie honey truffle croissant that’s also on the dinner menu, because there’s never a wrong time to eat it. I shrieked when I put it in my mouth. 

  • Dinner at Le Bouchon. Still the best French food I’ve had on this continent. And sooo romantic and nice in there.

  • Vegan food at Bloom if that’s your jam.

  • Breakfast sandwich / coffee at Foxtrot

  • Tortello for pasta! It’s so good

  • Big Star for tacos and margz right by the park 

  • Mama Delias for paella and manchego cheese plus a sherry based cocktail

  • Queen Anne for oyster happy hours + gin martinis

  • Estelle’s (My faaavvorrrrrite cocktail bar with an insane happy hour)

  • The Violet Hour for incredible, inventive cocktails

Culture

• Hit the River Walk for happy hour. Stay to watch the light show projected on Merchandise Mart. The drinks are very overpriced so feel free to botellon on the stairs OR abide by my lifelong adage: a quick enough hand and big enough purse, anywhere is BYOB.

• Shedd Aquarium is legit incredible 

• Cocktail bar at the top of the Hancock building. Skip Sears Tower and do this instead. 

• Art Institute is wonderful. You can get lost in here for a beautiful afternoon. 

• Shop Mag Mile. Make sure you stop in for some Garrett’s popcorn.  

• Shop around Gold Coast– a bit more upscale but still really fun and can get more unique offerings

• Field Museum for dinos 

• Bike or walk the 606 – get some ice cream after 

• Comedy show! Duh. Go to Improv at The Second City and the famous Old Time Ale House across the street after. There are also so many good options for stand up if that’s more your speed. 

• Spa Day at Aire Baths – this is such a lush girl’s activity. Don’t bother with the treatments. Just go and float around the hot baths, cold baths, steams, sauna and have long lovely chats with eachother 

• Green Mill for jazz

• The Bean puts on some concerts and movies in the summer. Picnic! Bring wine! 

• Dip into see the Tiffany Dome if you’re anywhere near the bean 

• Take a water taxi from River North to Chinatown. Go out for dumplings and karaoke in Chinatown 

• Chicago Magic Lounge for a $25 BYOB magic show in Boystown. Hit up a gay bar after. I love wok and roll BYOB sushi around this too. Make sure you splash out on some nice ass champagne because it is GIRL’S WEEKEND  

• Bounce dem titties on a boat. Go to the playpen. You can do half and full day rentals, or just wear something trashy and head to the marina to find an old dude. SORRY I DON’T MAKE THE RULES

• Try to get into someone’s fancy building rooftop pool. Yeet. Get on tinder. 

• wooly mammoth antiques and oddities for taxidermy

I don’t have children. I never had to wait in line to storm a 1994 wal-mart on Black Friday. I am not hosting this year. By all measures, I’m in for a peaceful holiday.

BUT I’m already feeling itchy about social gatherings, work events, and crimbo shopping. The hustle and bustle of holiday preparations can lead to burnout. I need a low calorie lever to cool off when it becomes too much.

Enter the extravagant Christmas shower.

It’s how I replenish and recharge without losing any festive momentum. The whole routine takes about an hour, about the length of time it takes to forget my mom’s problematic opinions on Megan Markle.

Anyways, you read it here: Solo festive moments are as important as gatherings. Below is my Christmas version of an “everything shower.”

First, set the mood:

• Dim the lights, find a holiday jazz playlist on Spotify, light up this white chocolate peppermint bathroom candle from TJ Maxx.

• Get into your dry brush routine to warm up

Warm Up with a Festive Shower Steam:

• Lush bath bomb Christmas collection for those of you that are bathbatically blessed (ok.)

• For the shower stuck, drop a milliliter of peppermint essential oil and make it work double duty for your sinuses

• Breaaaattthheeee it in. This is your Ben Affleck cigarette moment.

Choose cookie soap:

• Start with sugar and exfoliate your negativity. Try this one if you went too hard on presents.

• L'Occitane almond shower oil is a classic for a reason. It transforms into a soft, milky foam that cleanses and leaves you with sugar cookie bod.

Wash your hair

With whatever “business as usual” means to you. T-Gel gives me a special holiday tingle at this time of year.

Get out and slick up like a rockette:

• Family-sized bottle of Gold Bond lotion because we don’t play games with winter dryness

• Almond oil for a slick cookie finish

• Laniege gingerbread lip mask, trust me

• A spritz of Vetvier 46, whose wicked spiciness makes me feel like a sexy grinch

Wrap Up in a Cozy Towel or Robe

• This Kashwere robe in Syrah is like getting a holiday hug from Oprah Winfrey herself

Replenish.

Wander to the kitchen for a festive drink because you’re ready to re-integrate. Peppermint tea or a coffeemate eggnog with a splash of Knob Creek. Nothing in between!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YA FILTHY ANIMAL

PS while we love a holiday scammer, there are three pitfalls to avoid when beauty shopping this Christmas:

• Black Cherry Merlot hand sanitizer is not as funny as I thought. My friends and family were very worried

• Whole Foods beauty advent calendar. I think 25% of the box gave me a rash last year

• Augustus Bader The Rich Cream. Not worth the hype.